What is saying sorry for?

Think of the last time someone said sorry to you. Did it change your life? After you received the apology, was everything suddenly fine?

I believe that the act of apologizing has two purposes. First, it is for self-shame – to put oneself down and submit to the person they hurt. Second, I believe it's for recognition – I acknowledge that I hurt you. Which intention matters?

I argue that the way we use "sorry" is for recognition. To show others that we see that we caused them harm. And then, it's for change. To show that we can control our behaviors and make changes for the better.

Then why don't we start saying, "I see you, I see what I did, and you can count on me to do better?"

Because when we commit to doing better, we are on the hook. And we - people - don't like to be on the hook.

The real power in an apology is to put yourself on the hook for the future. If you want to get better at apologizing, stop saying sorry and start keeping promises.