Last night my sister sat next to me at the dinner table. She recently started her first "corporate" job and was asking for advice.

"I am frustrated that the assistant doesn't listen to me, I need to spell things out, and things don't get done."

Her story reminded me of the leadership and communication challenges I experienced in the past. And similar to me, my sister becomes defensive when she's coached.

"I asked for something to be done Wednesday. And I was clear. Why do I have to change?"

My sister and I both have an identity trigger. Maybe you, too. This identity trigger says to us, "You are always straightforward, crystal clear, and remarkably intelligent. It's who you are." Then when another figure - especially in authority - challenges our identity, this voice goes into defense mode.

"What are they talking about? Don't they know what I'm doing here? Why do I have to change?"

I don't find the process of changing behavior a challenge. For me, realizing that I might not be what I thought was is the challenge.  

Don't let "who you think you are" override "how others say you are."

The others are giving you generous feedback.