I am terrible at coloring in the lines. "But David, " you say, "that's a skill you learn in kindergarten." So is "following directions" and I still don't do that well.
This post is not about following directions, or why I still haven't learned kindergarten lessons. It's about fear... and coloring books.
My mother is a problem-solver, and this post is not a knock on her. It's about me. A few days ago, I got sick. My mother - because she's the best mom in the world - called me to check in. When I woke up from nap 7 (of seemingly 20) I noticed she called and called her back.
My mother is a problem-solver.
"Well, did you get a booster? You know Walgreens does free delivery? Are you going to the place your sister told you about?"
Those questions come from the most loving of places. But at that time, all I wanted was to talk with my mom. I didn't have a problem to solve, it was being solved. But... the call made me anxious.
So, how does this connect with the coloring book?
I didn't create a border for my mom to color in.
Instead, I thought of questions like: why was I responding this way to someone who loves me so much? Why is this getting to me? Why am I stressing out about this call? What am I so afraid of?
My therapist, shout out to Dr. Mike, had one time told me that emotions are chemical reactions, and his words were coming into the foreground of my thoughts as I was trying to understand why my mom's call bothered me.
I realized that the reaction was a stress reaction. Biologically, my brain perceived a threat, sent cortisol piping through my veins, created a bit of inflammation, and prepared me to run away from the tiger. Wow!
And this was all because I - I - failed to set an expectation for my mom that all I wanted from her was a "hey, how are you? I loved your last blog post. Okay... now drink plenty of fluids and call me tomorrow." And as a result of failing to set an expectation - to create the border for my mom to color in - I didn't set up my mom (or I for that matter) for success. Instead, she was coloring blind.
Don't color blind, know where the borders are.
Fear is a feeling from needing to feel the safety of expectation, but expectation is not there.
If I would have drew an outline of what I was hoping for when my mom started to problem-solve, I would have given my mom the instruction book she needed to be the best and most effective she could be. She colored blind - she didn't know where the borders were.
Do you know where the borders are?
Part of leveraging fear (and I use that term broadly) is defining it - to "trace it's outline" as Marcus Aurelius would write. And, when you trace an outline of the thing that keeps you up at night, a mild annoyance, a careless neighbor, or yourself (as was the case) you enable yourself (and others) to come alive and be their most effective selves.
Thanks for bearing with me today - I know it was a longer post.
