I had two tough feedback conversations today. The contents and the reason for the feedback don’t matter. I think what might interest you is how I processed what I intended to say without hurting the other person’s feelings. Here’s the process.
I do not factor the other person’s feelings. Trying to factor in someone’s anticipated emotional state as a result of a stimulus is like predicting the weather in a distant city based on today’s wind direction in my backyard.
I inventory my emotions for the very same reason as point 1.
I consider my intention and the outcome. My intention is to improve the relationship through honest and transparent communication. If I share what I need to share, then me and the other person get to find common ground and grow together — win win.
I consider execution. I edit and re-edit my idea until there’s nothing left but exactly what I mean to say. I ask myself if I’m speaking the truth.
I consider the humanity of the other person. They have complicated lives, they are probably doing the best they can, and they likely don’t want to hurt people. They value honesty because they told me they do.
I deliver my feedback.
They both ended with laughter and a genuine “I love you and happy you’re in my life.”