I really wonder if we overthink negotiation. That said, I don’t intend to oversimplify it either. Instead, I see it as a simple framework of discovery, self-awareness, communication and compromise.
First, I believe that “reading” people is not a thing. I believe some people may be more skilled at getting people to express themselves and using their intuition to make guesses about a person based on those expressions — that’s the upper bound of my belief. On the lower bound, I believe people leverage their biases to come to quick judgments about others. And because of all that, I don’t believe that negotiation is a result of a super human ability to “read” another person.
Second, I believe that great negotiation is about discovery. Skilled negotiators are adept at discovering the interests, constraints, and incentives of their negotiation partners. If you can inhabit the world view of your negotiating partner, it’s much easier to develop a proposal of what they might tolerate. Call this discovery skill a function of empathy powered curiosity.
Third, I believe that in order to negotiate you must know your self. As important as it is to learn the world view of your partner, you must know the world you inhabit. If you are negotiating, you likely have stakeholders with their own views, incentives, constraints, and interests.
Lastly, I believe that negotiation is communication and compromise. Communicating intention and possibility openly and honestly, and then working together to find an equilibrium. The equilibrium being the result of tradeoffs made — compromises — in order to get to the best possible deal.
I recognize the limitation of my beliefs. Some negotiations are done in the media, or through other behavioral signals, some negotiation is done through prayer, some negotiation is hostile and some is not. If you strip each type of negotiating down to its function components, my bet is you’ll see a common pattern and trend.
Additionally, both partners in a negotiation may not be of equal status. Perhaps there’s a power asymmetry. In that case, the simple framework may still apply — the less powerful negotiator may need to deal with the effectual truth of their situation and make the best possible outcome for themselves given the stakes. What kid doesn’t do that with their parents?
Most of life is a form of negotiation. And, mastering (even a little bit) of these skills will help us improve our relationships with people with different interests than our own.